The ant in the circle is moving.
It’s no longer just going in circles.
The same thoughts, the same feelings
and yet something feels different.
Not because everything suddenly makes sense
but because something is moving.
Quietly. Unexpectedly.
Months ago, I had thought about getting a piano.
But I was actually trapped in my own excuses.
I told myself it didn’t fit.
Not the right model, too expensive,
and even though the desire was there,
something was holding me back.
Then a few months later,
it was as if the universe said:
“Janina, no more excuses.”
A friend who was visiting me offered me her piano.
She said she didn’t need it,
and apparently she saw something in me
after hearing one of my own songs.
With a convincing voice, she said:
“I’ll talk to my brother.”
“He has a car. We’ll bring it to you.”
Two days later, she stood at my door with her brother,
carrying the piano into my apartment.
I’m still so overwhelmed by it
that I can’t even put into words
how happy and grateful I am.
That was the absolute starting point
for a special creative phase in my life,
which I’m in now and feel more clearly every day.
That’s it.
A piano that somehow wanted to find its way to me.
A video that wanted to come out.
A song that was simply there.
And now I’m pulling night shifts
to capture all my thoughts.
It feels as if a valve has opened,
and everything that has built up over years
now wants to find its way out.
With all this joy,
there is still something I can’t quite grasp.
As if not only something is opening,
but at the same time something else is making itself known
that has been there for a long time.
A thought that keeps coming back.
I had planned to take a trip to Berlin.
But circumstances got in the way.
While I’m sitting here,
working on new ideas,
building my life here in Helsinki
and juggling things that are not easy right now,
because I have to climb many hills.
Because everyone knows,
sometimes unexpected things happen in life
that you didn’t plan,
and suddenly you’re faced with challenges
that can push you to your limits,
so that everything can keep going
and you have to build a new foundation.
Then priorities have to be set,
which can hurt.
So my mind was here,
but my heart was somewhere else.
At a birthday.
At a concert.
A moment I didn’t experience.
And I wonder
what it would have felt like to be there.
Whether something would have changed.
Or whether everything would have stayed exactly the same.
It’s a strange feeling,
to be here and there at the same time.
Between what is currently coming into being,
what is happening behind the scenes,
and what might have been.
And somewhere in between… there is this feeling of floating.
Not tied to a place,
but a feeling I can’t shake,
that makes me feel so deeply again and again,
as if it breaks all boundaries
and reminds me
that maybe I’m not the only one who feels this way.
And maybe,
it finds its way,
even if I can’t quite grasp it yet.
Janina Gutsche 